Clinton Campaigns for Gore

Miami, FL - Former president Bill Clinton returned to the campaign trail Monday to endorse his former vice president, Al Gore.

"Al Gore is a serious man for a serious job in a serious time in our country's history," Clinton told a crowd of confused Democrats. "He is the right man to continue my serious legacy. Seriously."

Al Gore is not currently seeking the White House.

"A little fucking late, if you ask me," said a local transient who claimed to be Donna Brazile, Al Gore's former campaign manager. "Where was this guy four years ago?"

Al Gore narrowly lost the 2000 election to George W. Bush.

When asked for comment, Al Gore responded, "Listen, the guy's just undergone heart surgery. Give him a break. Now, who wants some of Tipper's delicious pie?"

Bill Clinton underwent a quadruple coronary artery bypass operation on September 6.

Al Gore has no known heart problems.

"I don't know why he doesn't like me," said Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry of the former president, wiping away a lone tear. "I try my best."

O'Reilly: The Next Dr. Seuss?

New York, NY - Fresh off his successful children's book, The O'Reilly Factor For Kids, prominent talk show host Bill O'Reilly has announced a follow-up. Entitled Shut up, Billy: Why Children Should Be Seen And Not Heard, the book aims to inform children on the values of "shutting up." HarperCollins has confirmed a fifty-thousand dollar advance for the project, due next fall.

On a related note, O'Reilly will have an article published in the December issue of Playboy called "Who's Looking Out For Your Vibrator? Me!"

Kerry's Goose To Be Cooked

Poland, Ohio - Unconfirmed reports say that the goose John Kerry caught today will be cooked in the weeks to come by a prominent Republican. Stay tuned for more information as it becomes available.

Hamburglar Steals McFlu™ Vaccine

McDonaldland - A shocking announcement was made today as Mayor McCheese of McDonaldland revealed that the entire supply of McDonaldland's McFlu™ vaccine had been stolen.

McFlu™ was developed in the 1980's as a part of a line of diseases, including McPolio™ and McAIDS™. The McDonaldland government quickly lost control of the diseases, however, and half of the city's population subsequently perished, including founder Ronald McDonald. Vaccines were then developed to ensure that such a tragedy could never again occur.

"This is McTerrible™, just McTerrible™," said the foggy-monacled mayor at a press conference held with his head constable, Big Mac.

When asked if the police had any leads, the police chief offered, "Oh, we have no doubt that this is the work of the Hamburglar - the only piece of evidence left at the crime scene was a note that read: 'Robble, robble, robble.' Now, obviously, we're worried by this shift in McModus Operandi™ from the petty theft of hamburgers to medical terrorism," Big Mac paused, his cheese beginning to boil in determination, "but we'll get him, we'll get him."

The Hamburglar has been a nuisance to McDonaldland since its inception; but not much is known about this enigmatic figure, besides his eclectic bandit garb and propensity to mumble the curious "robble, robble, robble." One thing is certain, though: he lives up to his name. The Hamburglar is blamed for 6000 hamburger thefts in the past year, alone.

"You know what I think? I think this is a giant McCrock™," said one purple, gumdrop-shaped McDonaldland citizen, who wished to remain anonymous. "If you ask me, I think they're hoarding the McCrap™. Do you really think the Clown was felled by McFlu™? No, he was too strong for that. It was a conspiracy set up by McCheese, Big Mac, H.R. Pufnstuf, and the Soviets; and now, the Hamburglar is their patsy. Back and to the left. Back and to the left."

Mayor McCheese, Big Mac, H.R. Pufnstuf, and the Soviets all refused to comment on these accusations.

Satirical News Show Host Takes Bow Tie to Cleaners

Washington, DC - After slaughtering talk show host Tucker Carlson on CNN's Crossfire last night, Jon Stewart took Carlson's signature bow tie to an all-night dry cleaners. While waiting for the tie to be cleaned, Stewart - the host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show with Jon Stewart - expressed doubt, "Man, I wonder if they'll be able to clean that thing. Y'know, with the bloodstains and all." No word yet on how the bow tie came out.

Kerry Propositions Cheney's Daughter

Tempe, AZ - Senator John Kerry is coming under heavy attack for comments he made in last night's presidential debate about Mary Cheney, Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter.

When asked by moderator Bob Schieffer if he thought homosexuality was a choice, Senator Kerry replied, "We're all God's children, Bob. And I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you that she's being who she was, she's being who she was born as. And if she's not?" Senator Kerry licked his lips and arched his eyebrows. "Well, then, I think Little Mary should be introduced to Big Papa John. Oooooooooohhhh yeeeeeaaaaah." At which point, Senator Kerry began making lewd gestures with the lectern.

"What the fuck, Bob?!" was President Bush's angry response to this, knocking his own lectern to the floor. "Are you going to let this guy insult my running-mate like this?!" he demanded of Bob Schieffer. Instead of waiting for a reply, however, the President turned to his Democratic rival. "Fuck it. I'll just show this loud-mouthed pinko bastard how Texans debate!" The networks then cut their coverage, catching President Bush in mid-lunge, fearing millions in FCC fines.

No word on the physical condition of either the President or Senator Kerry, but Bob Schieffer is believed to be dead.

When asked for comment on Senator Kerry's remarks, Vice President Cheney replied, "Don't worry, he'll be dealt with. Once the Final Solution is set in motion, the New England commies will be the first to die...after the fags and dykes, that is."

Kerry Running for Jesus

Newton, IA - Democratic Vice Presidential nominee John Edwards announced on Monday that his presidential running-mate, John Kerry, will assume the role of Jesus if
voted into the White House.

"If we do the work that we can do in this country, the work that we will do when John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve will get up out of that wheelchair and walk again," Edwards told a crowd in Newton, Iowa.

Edwards campaign spokesman Mark Kornblau later elaborated on the announcement: "Yes, if elected, John Kerry will be ascending to the position of Jesus. Why? Because a Jesus Kerry could garner the support of other deities in this war on heathenism, instead of just going it alone like Jesus Christ."

Republican Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist angrily fired back, "These comments are cruel to people who have disabilities and chronic diseases, and, on top of that, they're dishonest. We all know there is only one Jesus: George W. Bush."

President Bush Unveils PuppetBox™

Coral Gables, FL - Last night, President Bush revealed IBM's newest innovation: the PuppetBox™. Called the "next wave in corporate management," the PuppetBox™ is designed to control the actions of employees via nanotechnology. When attached to the spine of a worker, the PuppetBox™ sends nanobots through the spinal column and into the worker's brain. Once there, the nanobots overtake the worker's thoughts and replace them with preprogrammed data.

In an unprecedented move, President Bush halted the debate with his Democratic rival, John Kerry, to showcase the new product. Midway through the debate, Mr. Bush turned to moderator Jim Lehrer and said, "Hey, Jimmy, guess what. Y'know all this stuff I've been sayin'? Yeah, well, it's all because of this thing on my back." At which point, he spun 180˚ and pointed to the PuppetBox™ on his back. "It's called the PuppetBox," the President said, turning back around to face the audience, "and it's made by the good folks over at IBM. It marks a turning point in corporate business: no longer do corporations have to worry about employee productivity, because with this little device, employees no longer have control over their actions. As a matter of fact, everything I've said tonight has been preprogrammed by IBM." A glazed look came over the President's eyes. "Buy more computers!" Chuckling, he added, "See?"

Though it is too early to tell what impact the PuppetBox™ will have on global business, many analysts predict a giant boom within the year. When asked for comment, one WTO official replied, "I think I need a tissue."