Bush Elected to First Term

Washington, DC - Republican George W. Bush won his first presidential term after a long night of uncertainty.

"The people made it clear what they wanted," the President-elect said in a post-election press conference today. "I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and I intend to spend it. And the first thing I'm gonna buy? Cocaine." He paused, then added, "Political cocaine, of course. Not the street stuff."

Bush won a majority of the national popular vote, winning 51 percent to Democratic opponent John Kerry's 48 percent -- 3.5 million votes more than the Massachusetts senator.

John Kerry called Bush shortly after 11 AM (EST) today to concede defeat. "Well, George," he reportedly said over the telephone, "looks like you're a real boy now. My hope to carry on President Al Gore's legacy has crashed like a car driven by your wife."

When asked why he didn't seek re-election, President Gore responded, "You know, it's been a great four years. I haven't had to worry about terrorism or the economy. All I do is eat Tipper's delicious pie and alternate between growing and shaving my beard. So, it's not that I don't like the job. I just figured someone else should get a shot. Sharing is caring."

George Bush lost the 2000 presidential election to Al Gore, but decided to move into the White House after watching an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies.