Inquisitor General Steps Down

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After weeks of speculation, Inquisitor General John Ashcroft officially resigned today.

In a resignation letter to President Bush, Ashcroft stated, "I take great personal satisfaction in the record which has been developed. The safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved by keeping them in constant fear. (Burning them at the stake has helped, too.) However, I believe that the Department of Inquisition would be well served by new leadership and fresh inspiration."

John Ashcroft was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1994, but was subsequently defeated in 2000 by Democrat Mel Carnahan, a dead man. This message of failed leadership translated into a position as Inquisitor General in the incoming Bush administration.John Ashcroft's first act in his new role was to crack down on zombies running for elected office. This was met with loud protest by the American Deceased Liberties Union, and was ultimately abandoned. After 9/11, Ashcroft and the Department of Inquisition narrowed their focus to fear-mongering and terrorist witch-hunts.

Sources say that Ashcroft plans a return home to Missouri to reclaim his former position as Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. Leading candidates to replace him as Inquisitor General include deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein and former senator Joseph McCarthy's corpse.