Arafat Shocked to Find Allah is Jewish

THE AFTERLIFE - After spending nearly two weeks in a French military hospital, Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat died today. After his death, he had expected to transcend into a virgin-filled paradise tended by the great and mighty Allah. Instead, he found himself in an ethereal bank run by a friendly old Jew named Murray. Sources indicate that Arafat is pissed.

Inquisitor General Steps Down

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After weeks of speculation, Inquisitor General John Ashcroft officially resigned today.

In a resignation letter to President Bush, Ashcroft stated, "I take great personal satisfaction in the record which has been developed. The safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved by keeping them in constant fear. (Burning them at the stake has helped, too.) However, I believe that the Department of Inquisition would be well served by new leadership and fresh inspiration."

John Ashcroft was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1994, but was subsequently defeated in 2000 by Democrat Mel Carnahan, a dead man. This message of failed leadership translated into a position as Inquisitor General in the incoming Bush administration.John Ashcroft's first act in his new role was to crack down on zombies running for elected office. This was met with loud protest by the American Deceased Liberties Union, and was ultimately abandoned. After 9/11, Ashcroft and the Department of Inquisition narrowed their focus to fear-mongering and terrorist witch-hunts.

Sources say that Ashcroft plans a return home to Missouri to reclaim his former position as Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. Leading candidates to replace him as Inquisitor General include deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein and former senator Joseph McCarthy's corpse.

Bush Elected to First Term

Washington, DC - Republican George W. Bush won his first presidential term after a long night of uncertainty.

"The people made it clear what they wanted," the President-elect said in a post-election press conference today. "I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and I intend to spend it. And the first thing I'm gonna buy? Cocaine." He paused, then added, "Political cocaine, of course. Not the street stuff."

Bush won a majority of the national popular vote, winning 51 percent to Democratic opponent John Kerry's 48 percent -- 3.5 million votes more than the Massachusetts senator.

John Kerry called Bush shortly after 11 AM (EST) today to concede defeat. "Well, George," he reportedly said over the telephone, "looks like you're a real boy now. My hope to carry on President Al Gore's legacy has crashed like a car driven by your wife."

When asked why he didn't seek re-election, President Gore responded, "You know, it's been a great four years. I haven't had to worry about terrorism or the economy. All I do is eat Tipper's delicious pie and alternate between growing and shaving my beard. So, it's not that I don't like the job. I just figured someone else should get a shot. Sharing is caring."

George Bush lost the 2000 presidential election to Al Gore, but decided to move into the White House after watching an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies.

Editorial: Why You Should Vote

People are always asking me, "Chester, why should I vote?"

And I say, "Call me Chest."

To which, they say, "Chest?! Really? You want me to call you Chest?"

And I respond, "Yes."

And they say, "I don't know; 'Chest' sounds weird. Mind if I just call you Chester?"

And I say, "Yes, I mind. Call me Chest."

To which, they concede, "Okay, Chest, why should I vote?"

I laugh hard, and reply, "I'm glad you asked that, Billy."

Looking puzzled, they interject, "Uh...my name's not Billy."

I continue, "You see, Billy, there's a very good reason why you should vote. Sure, the popular vote is thrown into the trash. Sure, big money buys elections through propaganda, fraud, and conspiracy. Sure, the two political parties are really just puppets on the same host body, making it impossible for any real change to occur. Sure, all of this makes your vote essentially worthless; but Billy, tell me, what else are you going to do on a Tuesday afternoon? So, vote...or go out and buy some watermelons, paint 'em up to look like Grandma, and throw 'em off a bridge; because both are exercises in pointless fun."