Kerry Propositions Cheney's Daughter

Tempe, AZ - Senator John Kerry is coming under heavy attack for comments he made in last night's presidential debate about Mary Cheney, Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter.

When asked by moderator Bob Schieffer if he thought homosexuality was a choice, Senator Kerry replied, "We're all God's children, Bob. And I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you that she's being who she was, she's being who she was born as. And if she's not?" Senator Kerry licked his lips and arched his eyebrows. "Well, then, I think Little Mary should be introduced to Big Papa John. Oooooooooohhhh yeeeeeaaaaah." At which point, Senator Kerry began making lewd gestures with the lectern.

"What the fuck, Bob?!" was President Bush's angry response to this, knocking his own lectern to the floor. "Are you going to let this guy insult my running-mate like this?!" he demanded of Bob Schieffer. Instead of waiting for a reply, however, the President turned to his Democratic rival. "Fuck it. I'll just show this loud-mouthed pinko bastard how Texans debate!" The networks then cut their coverage, catching President Bush in mid-lunge, fearing millions in FCC fines.

No word on the physical condition of either the President or Senator Kerry, but Bob Schieffer is believed to be dead.

When asked for comment on Senator Kerry's remarks, Vice President Cheney replied, "Don't worry, he'll be dealt with. Once the Final Solution is set in motion, the New England commies will be the first to die...after the fags and dykes, that is."