Editorial: Why You Should Vote

People are always asking me, "Chester, why should I vote?"

And I say, "Call me Chest."

To which, they say, "Chest?! Really? You want me to call you Chest?"

And I respond, "Yes."

And they say, "I don't know; 'Chest' sounds weird. Mind if I just call you Chester?"

And I say, "Yes, I mind. Call me Chest."

To which, they concede, "Okay, Chest, why should I vote?"

I laugh hard, and reply, "I'm glad you asked that, Billy."

Looking puzzled, they interject, "Uh...my name's not Billy."

I continue, "You see, Billy, there's a very good reason why you should vote. Sure, the popular vote is thrown into the trash. Sure, big money buys elections through propaganda, fraud, and conspiracy. Sure, the two political parties are really just puppets on the same host body, making it impossible for any real change to occur. Sure, all of this makes your vote essentially worthless; but Billy, tell me, what else are you going to do on a Tuesday afternoon? So, vote...or go out and buy some watermelons, paint 'em up to look like Grandma, and throw 'em off a bridge; because both are exercises in pointless fun."