Arafat Shocked to Find Allah is Jewish

THE AFTERLIFE - After spending nearly two weeks in a French military hospital, Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat died today. After his death, he had expected to transcend into a virgin-filled paradise tended by the great and mighty Allah. Instead, he found himself in an ethereal bank run by a friendly old Jew named Murray. Sources indicate that Arafat is pissed.

Inquisitor General Steps Down

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After weeks of speculation, Inquisitor General John Ashcroft officially resigned today.

In a resignation letter to President Bush, Ashcroft stated, "I take great personal satisfaction in the record which has been developed. The safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved by keeping them in constant fear. (Burning them at the stake has helped, too.) However, I believe that the Department of Inquisition would be well served by new leadership and fresh inspiration."

John Ashcroft was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1994, but was subsequently defeated in 2000 by Democrat Mel Carnahan, a dead man. This message of failed leadership translated into a position as Inquisitor General in the incoming Bush administration.John Ashcroft's first act in his new role was to crack down on zombies running for elected office. This was met with loud protest by the American Deceased Liberties Union, and was ultimately abandoned. After 9/11, Ashcroft and the Department of Inquisition narrowed their focus to fear-mongering and terrorist witch-hunts.

Sources say that Ashcroft plans a return home to Missouri to reclaim his former position as Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. Leading candidates to replace him as Inquisitor General include deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein and former senator Joseph McCarthy's corpse.

Bush Elected to First Term

Washington, DC - Republican George W. Bush won his first presidential term after a long night of uncertainty.

"The people made it clear what they wanted," the President-elect said in a post-election press conference today. "I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and I intend to spend it. And the first thing I'm gonna buy? Cocaine." He paused, then added, "Political cocaine, of course. Not the street stuff."

Bush won a majority of the national popular vote, winning 51 percent to Democratic opponent John Kerry's 48 percent -- 3.5 million votes more than the Massachusetts senator.

John Kerry called Bush shortly after 11 AM (EST) today to concede defeat. "Well, George," he reportedly said over the telephone, "looks like you're a real boy now. My hope to carry on President Al Gore's legacy has crashed like a car driven by your wife."

When asked why he didn't seek re-election, President Gore responded, "You know, it's been a great four years. I haven't had to worry about terrorism or the economy. All I do is eat Tipper's delicious pie and alternate between growing and shaving my beard. So, it's not that I don't like the job. I just figured someone else should get a shot. Sharing is caring."

George Bush lost the 2000 presidential election to Al Gore, but decided to move into the White House after watching an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies.

Editorial: Why You Should Vote

People are always asking me, "Chester, why should I vote?"

And I say, "Call me Chest."

To which, they say, "Chest?! Really? You want me to call you Chest?"

And I respond, "Yes."

And they say, "I don't know; 'Chest' sounds weird. Mind if I just call you Chester?"

And I say, "Yes, I mind. Call me Chest."

To which, they concede, "Okay, Chest, why should I vote?"

I laugh hard, and reply, "I'm glad you asked that, Billy."

Looking puzzled, they interject, "Uh...my name's not Billy."

I continue, "You see, Billy, there's a very good reason why you should vote. Sure, the popular vote is thrown into the trash. Sure, big money buys elections through propaganda, fraud, and conspiracy. Sure, the two political parties are really just puppets on the same host body, making it impossible for any real change to occur. Sure, all of this makes your vote essentially worthless; but Billy, tell me, what else are you going to do on a Tuesday afternoon? So, vote...or go out and buy some watermelons, paint 'em up to look like Grandma, and throw 'em off a bridge; because both are exercises in pointless fun."

Clinton Campaigns for Gore

Miami, FL - Former president Bill Clinton returned to the campaign trail Monday to endorse his former vice president, Al Gore.

"Al Gore is a serious man for a serious job in a serious time in our country's history," Clinton told a crowd of confused Democrats. "He is the right man to continue my serious legacy. Seriously."

Al Gore is not currently seeking the White House.

"A little fucking late, if you ask me," said a local transient who claimed to be Donna Brazile, Al Gore's former campaign manager. "Where was this guy four years ago?"

Al Gore narrowly lost the 2000 election to George W. Bush.

When asked for comment, Al Gore responded, "Listen, the guy's just undergone heart surgery. Give him a break. Now, who wants some of Tipper's delicious pie?"

Bill Clinton underwent a quadruple coronary artery bypass operation on September 6.

Al Gore has no known heart problems.

"I don't know why he doesn't like me," said Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry of the former president, wiping away a lone tear. "I try my best."

O'Reilly: The Next Dr. Seuss?

New York, NY - Fresh off his successful children's book, The O'Reilly Factor For Kids, prominent talk show host Bill O'Reilly has announced a follow-up. Entitled Shut up, Billy: Why Children Should Be Seen And Not Heard, the book aims to inform children on the values of "shutting up." HarperCollins has confirmed a fifty-thousand dollar advance for the project, due next fall.

On a related note, O'Reilly will have an article published in the December issue of Playboy called "Who's Looking Out For Your Vibrator? Me!"

Kerry's Goose To Be Cooked

Poland, Ohio - Unconfirmed reports say that the goose John Kerry caught today will be cooked in the weeks to come by a prominent Republican. Stay tuned for more information as it becomes available.

Hamburglar Steals McFlu™ Vaccine

McDonaldland - A shocking announcement was made today as Mayor McCheese of McDonaldland revealed that the entire supply of McDonaldland's McFlu™ vaccine had been stolen.

McFlu™ was developed in the 1980's as a part of a line of diseases, including McPolio™ and McAIDS™. The McDonaldland government quickly lost control of the diseases, however, and half of the city's population subsequently perished, including founder Ronald McDonald. Vaccines were then developed to ensure that such a tragedy could never again occur.

"This is McTerrible™, just McTerrible™," said the foggy-monacled mayor at a press conference held with his head constable, Big Mac.

When asked if the police had any leads, the police chief offered, "Oh, we have no doubt that this is the work of the Hamburglar - the only piece of evidence left at the crime scene was a note that read: 'Robble, robble, robble.' Now, obviously, we're worried by this shift in McModus Operandi™ from the petty theft of hamburgers to medical terrorism," Big Mac paused, his cheese beginning to boil in determination, "but we'll get him, we'll get him."

The Hamburglar has been a nuisance to McDonaldland since its inception; but not much is known about this enigmatic figure, besides his eclectic bandit garb and propensity to mumble the curious "robble, robble, robble." One thing is certain, though: he lives up to his name. The Hamburglar is blamed for 6000 hamburger thefts in the past year, alone.

"You know what I think? I think this is a giant McCrock™," said one purple, gumdrop-shaped McDonaldland citizen, who wished to remain anonymous. "If you ask me, I think they're hoarding the McCrap™. Do you really think the Clown was felled by McFlu™? No, he was too strong for that. It was a conspiracy set up by McCheese, Big Mac, H.R. Pufnstuf, and the Soviets; and now, the Hamburglar is their patsy. Back and to the left. Back and to the left."

Mayor McCheese, Big Mac, H.R. Pufnstuf, and the Soviets all refused to comment on these accusations.